a post about love

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with"

Now, I am not an expert on love, but I do know a few things that I would like to write about. I have been thinking about this for a few days and love, or being in love, signifies a major culture difference between Americans and Chinese.

The reason why I am writing this post is because a new friend of mine just broke up with his girlfriend, and based on what he told me, and consequently I told him, Chinese think VERY differently than Americans when it comes to being in a relationship and being in love (a little writer's note: obviously no one feels the same about this subject, but the point of this post is to show how many young Chinese couples, or men specifically, feel about being in relationships and what kind of inner battle they sometimes deal with).

Let's call my friend Ben, because I don't want to write his real name, even if no one from China reads this... I'd still feel better using another name. Anyway, Ben and his girlfriend dated for three years. It started when he went to college and his girlfriend of the time broke up with him because of the distance between them and "she had many new possible suitors in her new school", so he said. This was a girl that he assured me time and time again, he loved. After they broke up, he was heart broken and sad and every other emotion that comes with a broken heart. He started talking to another girl (literally talking to, not "talking to") who attended his middle school and she had also just broken up with her boyfriend. The two started becoming closer and being better friends and eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend. I asked him whether he loved this new girl as much as he loved the old one at their all time high in the relationship and he said no. I also told him about something we call a "rebound". Nevertheless, the two dated for three years, up until now, when he finally decided to break things off with her. I get the sense that they were together just to be together, but didn't really feel that passionate, burning loving feeling a few of us have been lucky enough to feel in out life so far.

He explained that lately they have been fighting over nothing, and that she wanted him to change, to become the guy she wanted. His and my personality are very similar, and he told her he would not change for her. This was the point when I explained that if he really loved her and cared about her, changing would not be a task, but would be something he would just naturally and freely do to make her happy, because when you are in love, you want to be a better person for that person, and that significant other also makes you a better person (so nothing is a forced task). If everything goes well...

The beginning of the downhill part of the break up was the worst. Every time he talked about breaking up with her, it was as if he wanted to do it so badly, but if he did, he would be selfish because this girl gave him three years of her life. I could see the pain in his face when he mentioned breaking up with her and how much it would hurt her. He was obligated to stay with her because of the time she sacrificed for him. Now I don't know about you, but at first I didn't understand this at all. How could some girl be selfish enough to make a man stay with her if he doesn't love her? How could a girl want to be with a guy in the first place, who is not the best person he can be when he is with her? How could a girl want to be in a relationship that seems to be out of obligation? "This is China" is how he responded. Naturally I started asking him many, many questions and he tried to explain the best way he could (he is one of the only people who has a semi-Western mindset on things. He uses some Western slang and actually understands when I say somethings that I would say only to native speakers). Because this girl sacrificed so much of her time to stay in the relationship, he could not break up with her because now it was his duty to stay together, even if he wasn't completely happy. I told him that first he needed to be happy with himself, THEN he could be in a happy relationship. It pained him so much to first think about breaking up with her, but eventually it pained him EVEN MORE to stay with her because both people were semi-miserable.

After some talking, he told me that I should make my most recent class, the one for recent graduates, centered on advice about love. It's as if when we had this talk after he broke up with the girl, he had a revelation. As if I was telling him things that would solve world hunger or something, things he had never heard and thought about before, because his mind-set was so incredibly different. He felt a great relief to be free of that relationship, but he also felt really sad for her. Another tiny reason they broke up was because he would be working in Midea for three years, and she also just got a new job in his hometown, pretty far away from here, so they could not be together for a long time.
(Side note: His roommate and his girlfriend started dating two months ago and will most likely not see each other for a year, but are still staying together. They talk on the phone and on QQ [semi Chinese Skype/messenger] everyday, and this is their relationship. It seems that when you start a relationship or find a "suitor" you stay with that person then eventually marry them)

Equally important is the mindset that if someone loves you so much, you should stay with them because you might not find anyone else who loves you as much. Ben told me, "The lifelong question is do you choose the person you love so much, or do you choose the one who loves you so much?" Ummm hmm let me think, why not choose the person who you love and who loves you back? Simple answer. I told him he did not HAVE to choose the girl who loved him if he didn't think he loved her. In my opinion, he was doing her an injustice by staying with her, but he did not think so (and she probably didn't either). And so many women in China are expected to only have one boyfriend, and then stay with that guy for the rest of their lives.

So let's take a look. I am dating a guy for three years, but he is not fully there for me emotionally and physically, because we are apart from each other most of the time. I am still a great girlfriend though because this is the guy I want to tie down and so I stick by him, do things for him, am a great person, etc... even though HE doesn't do THAT much for me (compared to other guys in love). My boyfriend should still stay with me even though he isn't 100% happy and I am not the ideal woman he wants to be with, because I gave him all I could. I was a good Chinese girl, somehow gained the approval of my boyfriend's parents, and I gave him three years of my life. How could HE be so ungrateful and leave me after all this time? Because I gave him so much, he should owe me everything. And that is life in China... at least in this situation. There is this, somewhat, race to find a boyfriend and girlfriend. If you find someone suitable then you do not break up with them here. I just think, don't lead someone on. Do not waste time with a person whom you know you do not love and the relationship will not lead to anywhere.

Audre said that while in some way, this mindset DOES make some sense, in like manner it DOES NOT (and I think in almost every way it does not). "Debt only grows and one can never repay it, because there's no true feeling there". Now I see how insecure people here are about not being with someone, because if you don't have someone, then there is something wrong with you. (Conversely if you want to work for a Chinese company and get promoted, when they ask you in your interview if you have a boyfriend you should only answer yes if they will come to wherever your company is with you, because if you say yes and they are far away, you will most likely leave the company sooner or later to be with wherever your boyfriend works. Then the company will not hire you). These types of questions are VERY common in China when applying for a job, although they are ILLEGAL in the US. Thus, couples stick to whatever they have and seem to to be that picky. The way I see it, if you stay with someone you really are unhappy with then you will never find someone else whom you CAN be happy with, and then you will suffer forever. If you look for someone else while you are in a relationship that's even worse and incredibly selfish, "Oh, let me stay with you for the time being, but I will look for someone else right now, because I don't love you" WTF?

Bottom line, a stroke of what you think is bad luck, could really be a blessing in disguise. I told Ben it was not the end of the world and that he made a good decision. And this is how I am opening the minds and influencing Chinese people... tee hee hee. Some would say I am not the best person for this, but even though sometimes I cannot take my OWN advice, I do GIVE good advice. :)